A few months ago an old friend of mine had a baby. This was her first baby, and she was so excited to breastfeed that baby. But as often happens in life, things just didn't work out. Her milk supply, which wasn't that great to begin with, quickly dwindled to nothing, despite her doing everything her lactation consultant advised her to do. She ended up writing several blog posts about her journey, both on her own blog and as a guest on another blog that is entirely dedicated to bottle feeding without guilt. This was an eye opening experience for me, because I just didn't realize that bottle feeding mommas felt this way. I had no idea the hurtful things people can say to a mom who bottle feeds, horrible things about not loving their babies enough to give them the best, etc. I had no idea because I was on the opposite end. I'm a breastfeeding momma. I am very thankful to have a good supply, and thankful that after the struggles I went through with Sweetheart and nursing, that Princess is a pro, and at 10 months old she actually still has never had a bottle. Things have been very easy this time. But here is where the guilt comes in. Inevitably, there will be times that I am out and about and Princess will need to eat. When she needs to eat, I will feed her, end of discussion. Unless I'm home with just Marquis and Sweetheart, I always cover up and do it modestly. But I still have had times where I was looked at like I was being inappropriate. I have seen the people whispering behind their hands while looking my way. I have been told that formula is no different at all, that I am depriving my husband and Sweetheart of the chance to bond with Princess by not allowing them to feed her. I have been told that I am not taking care of myself because I am not sharing the responsibility. And while I have not yet been told directly not to nurse in public; the looks I get, the articles I have read online, forums, etc., everywhere there are people who want to make me feel guilty for breastfeeding my baby.
I'm not trying to debate breast versus bottle feeding. I feel very strongly that babies should be fed, and fed often, but the how is something I don't really care about. I must admit that while I could tell you all the benefits of breastfeeding and everything I love about it, my main motivation in nursing Princess is cold, hard cash. Have you seen the price tag on formula? Ouch!! But my point is this, there are naysayers and guilt to be had on both sides of the equation. And the more I have thought about this, the more I have realized that this same problem exists with every aspect of parenting. Are you at stay-at-home mom? You are depriving your kids of much needed social time, as well as not giving yourself the opportunity to learn and grow in a career. Working mom? Don't you love your kids enough to stay home and provide them the nurturing and love that they need? Why would you let someone else raise your child? What about cosleeping? If you do this, you will roll over and suffocate your baby, and you are depriving you and your husband of intimacy. If you don't do this, you are leaving your sweet baby in a cold crib all alone. You like to cuddle up next to someone to sleep, of course they would like this, too. Plus, cosleeping is very nurturing and helps with bonding.
See? You can't win, no matter what you do. And as if these outside sources of criticism aren't enough, I find that the little voice inside my head is the worst critic of all. It's the little voice that tells me that if I was a good mom, I wouldn't spend all day staring at the computer, even though it's because I'm working. Instead I would spend my days teaching my girls, and Sweetheart wouldn't still be mixing up colors and calling all letters, "E, O, Cs." But the same voice tells me that if I was a good mom I would work harder and longer each day so that we had more money for the fun things we could be out doing. If I was a good mom, I would be able to keep Sweetheart dressed with her hair done for more than 5 minutes instead of letting her wander around with messy hair in just her undies all day. If I was a good mom, I wouldn't hover so much and instead allow my girls the room they need to grow. If I was a good mom then Sweetheart wouldn't be able to quote so many movies. I could go on, and on. I have often wondered if I really am cut out for this job because I am so completely far from perfect.
So here's what I have decided. I've decided to change my thinking and work at ignoring all those voices, both internal and external, that try to tell me that I should feel guilty about how I parent. I'm going to do that by replacing it with the good stuff. And really, there is a lot of good stuff. When I am completely honest with myself, I can say that I truly do the very best I can for my family, all of them. My family has a (mostly) clean, safe home to live in. They are fed yummy, healthy(ish), homemade food pretty much every day. They are bathed and dressed and given everything a child physically needs. In addition to that, I try to teach them every day about how to be kind to each other, about how to share and how to help each other. My kids know that they are loved, not just because we tell them about a billion times a day, but also because of all the hugs and the kisses they are given daily (or whenever we can, in CG's case). I make sure that CG knows that while she might not be genetically mine, she is just as loved and important to me as our other turkeys. I make sure to tell them all as much as possible how beautiful and wonderful and perfect they are, even when they make mistakes or disobey. I want to fill their minds with all these positive things about themselves before the outside world has a chance to get in there and start injecting all the self-doubt, sarcasm and yuckiness. I also am making sure that my kids know about God, that they have a place to turn to for help no matter what. I must admit that church with two little ones sucks rocks! Some days I wonder why I even try, but I know it's because I want my girls to learn the things that will make them happy.
Ok, brain dump over. If you have made it this far, congrats! Wish me luck, the nagging guilt voice is going to be hard to conquer, but I'm going to give it a go! While I'm at it, I'm going to try to help those around me to feel better about how they are doing, because really I think every person on this planet hears too much about what they are doing wrong, and not enough about what they are doing right. And I have to admit that there have been times that I have been that judgmental voice, telling people what they should change and why. For those I have done this to, I'm so sorry. I was wrong and I know it. It is something I plan on working on for the rest of my life. I just hope everyone can do the same and we can all just be kinder to each other, and especially to ourselves.
3 comments:
Em, you're one of the most loving, attentive and kind mothers I know. Seriously. I have never had an iota of doubt that you're doing the very best you can for your little ones, and it is obvious to me that they are happy and healthy and feel secure.
For what it's worth, my bathrooms are dreadfully dirty today. Katie refuses to learn her letters, and I often get a couple days out of one hair styling session on her. Oh, and she has a vast repertoire of theme songs from cartoons and frequently busts out loudly in public with a recital of them.
You're a good mom. Don't sweat the small stuff!
I saw a quote a few years ago, (back when I was a working, formula-feeding, Cry-it-out mama) that said "Nothing says insecure mom like bringing another mother down for her decisions."
I think each person is just doing the best they can, and need to be given the benefit of the doubt. You don't know what they're feeling, the struggles they've gone through. And frankly, whatever you're doing is none of their business. Next time you see someone commenting, I suggest you whip it out and squirt them! ... No? Darn :)
Great post and I LOVE your new family pic. :)
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