Peanut-geddon

"It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing." Boromir, Fellowship of the Rings, Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Today is the day, little girl. I am so ready for this!

But I don't think I'm ready for this.

This morning you woke me up just a few minutes before my alarm, climbing into our bed because you needed reassurance that you were safe from bears and dragons. You were asleep again within seconds, and I stared at your beautiful head in the dark and rubbed your hair. And I cried. Oh, little baby, I cried!

I have been so focused every minute of every day on protecting you from peanuts that I have trained my nose to smell if someone is eating a Reese's within a 10 foot radius. Without even realizing what I'm doing, I can scan an entire room within seconds to see if anything dangerous might be lurking somewhere. Is that dark spot on the library shelf a smear of peanut butter from a child's snack right before story time? Make sure not to touch that candy wrapper on the ground at the bus stop, just touching it would mean a trip to the ER, at least. I have been hardcore brainwashed into regarding peanuts as the most vile of enemies, because that is exactly what it has been!

And yet, today I allowed people to feed you a peanut. Of course, those people were qualified nurses, a doctor, and a PA, all of whom I totally trust and who have done this process many times before. It was done in a very controlled environment where you were monitored and where you had access to exactly what you would have needed had anything gone wrong. Your former twice daily dose was 80% of a peanut in the form of peanut flour, so jumping to a full peanut really wasn't much, and wasn't the largest dose increase you have had. Logically I knew these things, but knowing things logically doesn't tell the emotional part of your brain that everything is going to be ok.

I am so proud of you, my little girl! Even though it was obvious that your mom was nervous, you stepped up excitedly and ate your first peanut. And oh, how I cried! Yes, again! So many emotions hit me all at once. That well trained fear smacked right into excitement and happiness and overflowed right out my eyes in a rather embarrassing display. I think I even worried the doctor a bit because I was crying so much, he came over after and said he was sorry. I told him to please not be sorry, I am so very grateful for him! 

I am watching miracles in action, and I am so very excited for what this means for you!