1. Laugh a lot. A lot. And then some more. And then make each other laugh. A lot. And then some more. Then find things that make you both laugh. For example, if you have ever talked to me about marriage ever, I've probably told you about this guy and this video clip. It's funny because it's true, and you get to laugh and improve your marriage at the same time. You're welcome!
2. Learn to communicate. The video above will help with this part, too. (If you skipped it, go watch it. I'll wait here. Done? Good.) So yes, you have to be able to talk to each other! And in a nice way. If your only way to communicate is through screaming and fighting, may I suggest finding a new way? Here's another great resource for learning to really communicate.
3. Do most things together. If you are just two people that happen to live in the same house and you never both land with your butts on the couch watching the same show, or spending time at the same activity that isn't necessarily kid-related, or anything like that, then aren't you really just roommates? You need to have some hobbies that are the same, things you can do together to build that relationship, to remember why you fell in love in the first place, and also to understand the person your spouse is becoming (because people can and will change!).
4. You married a human being. That spouse of yours is far from perfect. They are sometimes going to have morning breath and bedhead. They are going to say dumb things and make mistakes. Expect them to be human and cut them some slack, ok? Because they are living with a human being, too, and you are also going to sometimes have morning breath and bedhead and say dumb things and make mistakes. They don't need your criticism, they don't need you trying to "fix" them, they just need your unconditional love.
5. Physical intimacy is a must. There are things that can be communicated through those intimate moments that just can't be communicated any other way. Plus, it's super fun, it's free, and it's a great way to relax before sleep. Or a big presentation. Or a job interview. Or a Monday. Gosh, why not?
6. No cheating. This seems like a duh, but I'm going to delve a little bit deeper. Creating an intimate yet nonphysical relationship with someone else? Cheating. Looking at pornography? Cheating. Chatting with some anonymous person online who you will never meet so it's harmless, right? Nope, still cheating. Anytime you give any of that part of yourself to someone else, it hurts your marriage. Marquis and I are so careful about this that we never even spend time alone with a member of the opposite sex. Most of the people we might spend time alone with are not potential romantic partners, but that doesn't matter! If we don't ever start down that path, even a little bit, we'll never get to the icky part at the end. Make sense?
7. Let it go, let it go! Mwuahaha, now you are singing Frozen in your head, aren't you? My evil plan is working! Anyway, stuff is going to happen, and there will be times you'll be mad or unhappy or sad. If you can just learn to let it go and give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, you'll be so much happier. Don't hang on to grudges. (Marquis, yes, I know I'm terrible at this one, but I'm still learning!)
8. Schedule fun stuff. It is so easy to get lost in a sea of homework and laundry and grocery shopping and work and blah, blah, blah! We have had so much fun planning and going on our Grand Adventures, and I love that it gets us out of the house and away from the list of work that needs to be done and more focused on time together. This has been great for our family, but also for us as a couple as we have tried to have regular date nights and time to just go do fun stuff together. Schedule this stuff, put in on the calendar, make it nonnegotiable.
9. But have fun in the moment, too. Like Mary Poppins says, just a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. (Yes, I have been saturated with Disney movies, how can you tell?) There will always be laundry and dishes and homework and all the boring stuff that just goes with life. You can whine about mopping the kitchen floor, or you can each grab a mop and turn on some fun tunes, and dance around the kitchen. It's all attitude, and you can choose to be grumpy or choose to have fun in the little moments of life.
10. Outside help is sometimes necessary. You know what drives me crazy? People who complain about their marriage, but then won't go get help to fix it. There is nothing embarrassing about getting help, especially for something as important as your marriage. And there are no excuses! You can't afford a marriage counselor or therapist? Go to your religious leader. Watch the rest of that seminar from Mark Gungor on Youtube. Go to the library and check out library books. Along with this, if you are having depression or other problems and it's hurting your marriage, don't be afraid to go get medical help. Your marriage, and your own sanity, are worth it!
11. Service! Lots and lots and lots of service. It's been proven over and over that you love those whom you serve. Love is a verb, an action word. It requires action on your part, and more than just sitting around thinking about your sweetheart and sighing. Get out there and serve them. Leave them little treats, make the bed for them, bring home flowers you gents, you know what will make your sweetheart happy, go do that. Daily, if not more.
12. Yes, you can go to bed angry, and quite often that's better! You know that old adage, "Don't ever go to bed angry." It's crap! Total crap. Quite often, if I'm mad, it's because I'm grumpy, and I'm grumpy because I'm hungry or tired or had a bad day. If I can go to bed and give it a little time, get a good night's sleep and a full tummy, in the morning I wake up wondering what was the big deal? And in the rare case that there is still an issue, I will be in a much better place to address it and communicate what I need more effectively.
13. Support each other. Marquis will sometimes come to me with a glint in his eye, so excited about some project or another. And I know I have done the same to him where I have been so excited about a new idea, and I'm sure he wondered if I was totally off my rocker. But you know what? Why not go with it? Support each other fully and completely, and believe in each other. I'm sure your spouse has enough gremlins in their brain giving them reasons why they can't do this or that, so unless it is illegal or possibly going to cause bodily harm, let them know you've got their back! I can guarantee that if Marquis wasn't behind me 100%, I wouldn't have lost 70 pounds, or then gone on to be a Certified Holistic Health Coach. I NEED that man to be my support and tell me that I've got this.
14. Have the same goals. Now, this isn't to say that you can't have any different interests or plans for the future, but if you don't have at least a few of the same goals in mind as far as the direction of your family, you are going to have problems. You can't run in different directions and have it work.
15. Run away!!! This has been ESSENTIAL for me and Marquis. Once a year in the spring (tax refund, woot, woot!) we let one of our wonderful extended family members enjoy the company of our littles while we spend a night away. We enjoy a nice dinner and a hotel and really just reconnect. When we do this, I feel like I'm remembering who he is again, and also remembering who I am. I can suddenly breathe again, and that never-ending list in my brain will quiet down for a little while. Aaaaahhhh!!!!
16. Don't compare! Just don't, ever. Whether it's comparing to an ex, to another married couple, or whoever, just don't. Just like each person is different and unique, each marriage is also unique. Comparison just hurts, don't do it.
Of course 16 years of marriage certainly doesn't make me an expert, but wow, it has been so good!
Marquis, I adore you more with each day. You are my perfect match, the most amazing person I know. Thank you for all you do for me, I am blown away by how much you show me you love me, every minute of every day.
I can't wait for the rest of forever!
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