Infertility Myths Busted - "Just Relax!"

I have the saddest story for you coming up about our little Sweetheart, but first, in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I wanted to take a few minutes of your time and bust a very familiar fertility myth. Do you remember this song?



(Don't you love 80s music videos? The sunglasses, the bad mustache, the lasers? Awesome.)

I'm not positive what good ol' Frankie meant when he wrote this song, but I'm pretty sure it was about a run in with an infertile woman, and he made the mistake of repeating this bit of infertility advice. Everyone knows that if the couple would just relax, then Pop! They will be pregnant, right? Um, well no. While there is a teeny, tiny little bit of truth in this statement, stress can sometimes be a factor in infertility (a very, very small factor), no amount of massages, yoga, hot baths, or other destressing techniques can make someone ovulate who's body is just plain broken. Relaxing will not unblock blocked fallopian tubes, raise a sperm count, or fix messed up hormones.

For someone dealing with infertility, they are going to hear this particular piece of advice over and over. The first time, at least for me, I didn't mind too much. The person were just trying to help me, to make me feel better, and I couldn't fault them for that. But the second, third, five-hundredth time I heard it? I was ready to scream. Or scratch out eyeballs, whichever. This bit of misinformation even popped up after I had finally had my first baby. I was telling someone our story, which, in brief, is that we tried really hard for about four years with doctors and medicines before I just simply could not emotionally handle any more and we switched our focus to buying a house and then saving our money for adoption. And then, surprise!! I was pregnant with our miracle baby. The person I was telling this to laughed and said, "So you finally relaxed, huh? That's how it always happens." I don't remember what I said to this person, but I'm not in prison now so I'm pretty sure I didn't murder anyone. We are also still friends, so I think I was nice when I explained that no, actually it was 3 whole years later, and that what "fixed" me was that I finally lost the 30 extra pounds I had been carrying around the entire time. Apparently those 30 pounds had been messing up my hormones enough that no amount of relaxing would have made me ovulate.

Unless you are an OB/GYN or reproductive endocrinologist, please don't give advice. Don't predict when someone will finally get their baby, because some people just don't get one, it's that simple. But what do you say to someone who is going through infertility? Not long after high school I was at work one day when I found out that an old friend of mine had died, quite suddenly and violently. I was upset (of course) and crying in the bathroom at work when two friends came in to "help" me. One of them went on and on about God and religion, and while it was good to be reminded of those things, that is not at all what I needed right then. My other friend hugged me. That's it. She didn't say a word, just hugged me and let me cry. It's the same with infertility. Infertile women/couples are getting enough advice. The best thing to do is just be supportive. A simple "I'm sorry," is plenty. If you know them well enough and they need a good cry, hug them and let them cry. And then feed them ice cream.

And anyone who wants to can still feed me ice cream.

To find out more about infertility, click here. To find out more about National Infertility Awareness Week, click here.